A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing" he thought as he flew down I-90, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The old gentleman paused. Then said, "years ago, my wife ran off with a State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have good day, sir ".

Thanks to Ralph for today's smile!

. . . Or Have A Big Proud Grin!

Last Saturday, while most of the nation was watching and rooting for a bunch six and a half to seven feet tall future millionaires battle be the "March Madness" champs, Jo and I opted to travel down to Chicago to cheer on a bunch of two to four foot tall "athletes" vying for the First Robotic Competition Midwest Championship. The reason? Grandson Harrison, who resides down in Arkansas is a member of one of the competing teams. The other Grandkids are regularly featured in this and my other blog (especially the four youngest ones). But Harrison, a high school sophomore, hasn't had a blog mention since our Arkansas visit in 2008. So, when we heard that he and his robotic team were going to be in Chicago, it seemed like an opportunity to not only visit with Harrison but to get a little education in robotic science. The competition is run by an organization called FIRST (For Inspiration and Recognition of Science and Technology). FIRST was founded in 1989 to inspire young people's interest and participation in science and technology. FIRST designs accessible, innovative programs that motivate young people to pursue education and career opportunities in science, technology, engineering, and math, while building self-confidence, knowledge, and life skills as well as providing scholarship opportunities to participating students. Boys and girls in FIRST programs range from the age of six to high school seniors. First is supported by corporate sponsors including names Like Baxter, Motorola and Boeing to mention a few. So much for the history lesson.
Upon entering the UIC (University of Illinois - Chicago) pavilion, we were greeted by a roar of cheers not unlike those you hear at a school sporting event. And, for all intensive purposes, we were experiencing a high school sporting event. Only, this event featured remote controlled robots who were programed and driven to shoot baskets, retrieve and reload balls, as well as play a little offensive/defense against the opposing team. It was really exciting and I could go on and on about the matches but this is supposed to be a humor corner not a science class.
The bottom line is that we got to spend a nice visit with Harrison, had our eyes opened to a whole new high school "sport" where the kids didn't have to be jocks, and witness Harrison's team, The Bomb Squad go undefeated (11-0) for the three day competition in a field of 51 teams and emerge as the 2012 Midwest Regional champs.

Maybe this didn't make me laugh but it sure brought a big smile to this old face!

Bomb Squad Robot bangs in three three pointers on the way to another win.

Bomb Squad loads up another three balls while
"Alliance" teammates bang in a few more points.

The Champs!!!

Grandkid, Harrison takes his turn showing off the trophy!

Proud grandparents with even prouder Harrison.

Ken was teeing off from the men's tee. On his downswing, he realized that his wife, Joy, was teeing up on the woman's tee directly in front of him.
Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it, and hit her directly in the temple, killing her instantly.

A few days later, Ken got a call from the coroner regarding her autopsy.

Coroner: "Ken, your wife seemed to have died from blunt force trauma to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and hit her in the temple, is that correct?"

Ken: "Yes, sir, that's correct."

Coroner: "Well, inexplicably I found a golf ball wedged up her butt."

Ken: "Was it a Titleist 3 with a red dot?"

Coroner: "Yes, it was."

Ken: "Oh yeah, that was my mulligan."

That's the way emailer Ken told it!

Oh No!!!

Edith, I Am Your Grandfather!

Holtzemfromfloppen

After spending a good part of last weekend staring at the ceiling in the Kohl's lingerie department while Jo weedled her way through the thousands of bras on display, the following joke(s) from friend Ken, seemed appropriate. There were bras in every conceivable color, material, size and shape carefully draped over every inch of chrome, wire, glass and wooden surfaces within sight. As one waits, shifting weight from one foot to the other, you can't help but catch a glimpse of the other weedling customers pawing their way through the racks and racks of these dainty garments. They too come in every conceivable size, shape and color but, have a common goal . . . finding a bra in the right size, shape and color. I won't go into detail about the scary images that pass through one's mind. (After all, there's only so much that can pass through one's mind while shifting from one foot to the other while pretending to stare at the ceiling for what seems like an eternity) I'll let you fill in the idle mind stuff. Here's ken's contribution for today.

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.

"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."

Relieved, the man asked about the types.

The saleslady replied:

"There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types.

Which one would you prefer?"

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...

The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills. . . .

----------------------------

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?

If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

(A} Almost Boobs...

{B} Barely there.

{C} Can't Complain!

{D} Dang!

{DD} Double dang!

{E} Enormous!

{F} Fake.

{G} Get a Reduction.

{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !

I'm still waiting to see who comes to try this one on!!!

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's
father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love
and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies,
"Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies,
"In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how
will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week
and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should
do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed

Bruce has put so much thought into this.

"Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out.

I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have
little children of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks little Bruce is adorable..

Thanks for the laugh Ralph

Or Cry!

A guy from Chicago dies and is sent to Hell. He had been a horrible man his entire life.

The devil puts him to work breaking up rocks with a sledgehammer. To make it worse, he cranks up the temperature and the humidity.

After a couple of days, the devil checks in on his victim to see if he is suffering adequately. The devil is baffled as the guy from Chicago is happily swinging his hammer and whistling a happy tune.

The devil walks up to him and says "I don't understand this. I've turned the heat way up it's humid, and you're crushing rocks; why are you so happy?" The guy from Chicago , with a big smile, looks at the devil and replies, "This is great! It reminds me of August in Chicago . Hot, humid, a good place to work. It reminds me of home. This is fantastic!"

The devil, extremely perplexed, walks away to ponder the remarks of the guy from Chicago . Then he decides to drop the temperature, send down a driving rain and torrential wind. Soon, Hell is a wet, muddy mess.

Walking in mud up to his knees with dust blowing into his eyes, the guy from Chicago is happily slogging through the mud pushing a wheelbarrow full of crushed rocks.

Again, the devil asks how he can be happy under such conditions.

The guy from Chicago replies, "This is great! Just like April in Chicago. It reminds me of working out in the yard with spring planting!"

The devil is now completely baffled but more determined to make the guy from Chicago suffer. He makes the temperature plummet.

Suddenly Hell is blanketed in snow and ice. Confident that this will surely make the guy from Chicago unhappy, the devil checks in on him.

Again he is shocked at what he sees. The guy from Chicago is dancing, singing, and twirling his sledgehammer as he cavorts in glee. "How can you be so happy? Don't you know its 40 below zero!?" screams the devil.

Jumping up and down, the guy from Chicago throws a snowball at the devil and yells; "Yahoo!!! Hell's frozen over! This means the Cubs won the World Series."

Thanks to Carol Briscoe for preparing me for another "hopeful" season!

Say What????

Well, it's been quite a while since my last post. It's not because I haven't been laughing but, rather that I've had such a hard time deciding what would make you laugh. Some of the funnier things were just over the "G Rating" line while others were just too much family oriented or just funny to only my weird sense of humor. There were things like me wondering if they should put warning labels on certain cold remedies concerning "may cause drowsiness and impair backseat driving ability" or so many of the "cute" things the grandkids have been doing lately. Finally, I decided that this short conversation between son-in-law Reid and Grandkid Edie was enough to make anyone laugh. I especially enjoy how she punctuates her point with a timely sneeze. I wasn't able to translate Reid's part of the conversation but, as a veteran Grandpa, I understood every word that came out of Edie's mouth. (Being hard of hearing allows one to decide what they think they hear) Here's Edie and Daddy in deep conversation -

http://youtu.be/XoI67DulhQQ